So I made it through my first and second counseling session. I walked through the doors, sat down and immediately turned into a sobbing mess. I’ve never let myself go, raw and unfiltered. This complete stranger heard the story of my life, from the very first days dealing with a disability, to the amount of loss I’ve experienced throughout the years. From classmates, to family, to a coworker, to my father and then my inability to have biological children. Maybe I just needed that person who didn’t know me, to hear my story. It is a story of a young woman who has continually fought to fulfill her life with happiness while battling challenge after challenge. I have never been one to give up and throw in the towel. Til now.
I have suffered from infertility for almost 5 years, that I know of. I had no idea I was infertile. I was too busy trying to prevent it by taking the birth control pill to realize there wasn’t any real point in taking those little pills everyday. Had I known, maybe life would of been different. I wouldn’t of wasted 4-5 years on trying multiple treatments at the clinic, putting numerous drugs into my body (orally and subcutaneously) to stimulate what would never of amounted to a baby growing inside me. I don’t regret fighting for my ability to have a child but I do regret wasting years of my life being unhappy… fighting a battle, I wouldn’t beat. There was a decision to be made. Donor eggs. That is and was my only option. I spent days looking at those donor profiles. And then I decided to do a whole lot of soul searching. I am not going to lie, I am completely devastated that I will never experience what everyone else does but I need to take care of myself. I sat in the counselors office and she described I needed to start my healing by dealing with one issue at a time. Put my infertility/loss in one box and my father in another box but only open one box at a time. I am not ready at all to deal with my fathers passing but I know each day that passes and each random time I start to cry, I know that box will be fully open too. But for now, that infertility box was pried open.
I had some meds and supplies from my last ivf that failed. I first started by cleaning those up and putting them in the cupboard. My excess meds, I am giving to an other IF warrior who could use them for her cycle. I felt better not seeing them every day knowing that they didn’t work for me. Then I spent days milling over decisions whether to pull the plug or to find the $18,000 to do the donor cycle. Then it hit me. I am 38 years old, I have been fighting for too long. My body is exhausted, my mind is, and my heart is. So that was it. We’ve discussed this over and over and over. I had a follow up appointment booked for February 23. I cancelled that and explained that I could not endure any more. They said they understood that this journey is just very overwhelming and if we needed anything, don’t hesitate to contact them again. As hard as it is, I feel like an enormous amount of pressure was lifted off my shoulders. I’m finally feeling better. It is not easy, and never will be. My infertility will always be a part of my but I can now choose to not let it consume my life and cause stress on my marriage.
On to new adventures, new memories and hopefully we will find ourselves a little one by adoption. Day by day, sometimes minute by minute…..I can do this.