Here I sit just over 2 weeks since my fathers funeral. I’m not going to lie, it was a beautiful celebration for someone who meant the world to me and obviously brightened so many other people’s lives. The place was packed, many familiar faces from my past, my siblings past and my families past. We are grateful to those who took the time to join us. It truly meant a lot.
The day after the funeral I was scheduled for bloodwork and an ultrasound with the clinic for my ivf. I walked in the clinic feeling shaky but good. I went in or my bloodwork and it was the nurse who has issues last time. And once again, she couldn’t find my vein. I was quickly escorted into the ultrasound to see my progress. I said to Dr. Y, give me some good news! He smiled in his normal fashion and put the internal ultrasound in. He moved it around but started at the left side. He measures one big follicle around 14 and then searches for more, then moves on to the right. “I’m afraid I don’t have good news”, “you only have one follicle. ” My heart sunk. I knew what this meant. He said, ” the honest truth is that I don’t think we should continue this, there’s not much point”. My eyes started to well up. The point in your life where you think things have to go up from here actually didn’t go the way you expected. Dr Y turns and says, “your only option left to have a family, and I know you both want one, is donor eggs”. I look at him and ask the price. $18,000. “But I’m talking to the US egg bank today to try to lower the prices with the crummy dollar, I’ll call you guys when I know”. Walking out of the exam room, I whisper to the nurse, “I just lost my father and now this”.
I quickly got changed and Tyler and I rushed out of the clinic and just wept. Ever see your husband cry? It was another one of the hardest days of our life. Why must we continue to struggle? It fucking sucks. I immediately send out a text to a few of the IF ladies and my mom. What a helpless feeling. On the way home I look up the US donor bank, I scroll through the profiles. It’s the weirdest feeling ever, sort of like you are searching for a date online. Well I guess it is a date but in a weird way. You pay for their service? Anyways, it’s a whole new world out there. I’m not sure what is next. I had a generous offer by someone who is possibly persuing a third cycle with retrieval. She offered her extra eggs to us that she wouldn’t be using. It’s food for thought.
On another note, the adoption thing hasn’t worked either. It will be three years this year in the process. It’s a battle that we feel we won’t win in. If we wanted an older child, we would of had a placement. But since we want a baby/toddler then it seems a bit of a pipe dream.
Please 2016, it can only go up from here. No more bullshit, just happy positive news from now on….and let the weather get better so I can go camping and decompress surrounded by nature. Please let me find some clarity in deciding if all of this heartache is worth it.