I’m not one for not being honest.

So here we are, January 4, 2016. And my life is a bit of a mess. Basically my life is a complete whirlwind. Friendships have changed, my fathers health has changed, and we are still without any sight of children, so to speak. I sat there in the Cloverdale legion with a few ladies I used to hike with a few nights ago. It was a last minute decision to go as I was sitting in my pajamas in a quiet emotional state. I sat there looking around the table questioning why I was there. I felt quite uncomfortable. I injured my foot last October and haven’t hiked since. I guess you could say, you lose that connection to that group and don’t have much to say. While listening to the ladies talk, I looked around at a table next to us. There sat an elderly man, say in his 70’s just giving ‘er  with his dance moves. He was so happy, so full of life. Then I thought of my own father. We learned Christmas Eve that basically lukemia was going to take his life. He will never be that guy dancing and having a beer out with his buddies. He will be lost to a disease we can not do nothing about. I started to choke up but quickly contained my emotions. As the night went on, I just needed to leave. Nobody knows what I’m going through except my family. They are my reason to stay strong. My mother needs support as I could not imagine losing my lifetime partner too early. I just can..not..imagine.

 I’ve been on a tattoo thought ever since my dad was diagnosed. I want this. I want to have a piece of him with me everyday that I can look down and see. Tomorrow is the day. I have to do this before anything happens, I want him to see it. I want him to know I will forever think of him as a piece of my heart will be lost when lukemia takes him away. I want him to live forever, as all kids want their parents with them. They turned me into who I am today. A tough, straightforward but emotional woman. I wouldn’t be where I am if it wasn’t for them. And for that, I’m grateful. I know time will be of the essence so we are also embarking on our final journey of IVF. I’m not going to lie, it scares the living shit out of me. But I have to. If this works, my father will be a happy man, a happy papa. I’m secretly hoping it works and I get pregnant with a baby boy. This is my wish. If the universe and science align how I hope, Stephen Douglas Joyce will be a part of our world. Prayers would be appreciated, my family desperately needs them.

 

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