Confidence. 

So I must share some news. As I recently blogged about a possible adoption, I should share that it will not be going through. Everything was looking great til we kept finding out more and more information. Then that information made us feel uneasy. We did some serious talking about this option for us and decided not to continue on this specific adoption. I’m not going to lie, it really sucks. I wish we could find a specific child that we could adopt and let the adoption possibly become two if a sibling was to come along. It’s not that I don’t feel like I could handle it but I have had a lot of self doubt lately. I want to be a mother. Since it doesn’t look like it’s coming naturally, I want to be happy with my decision. 

My cycle has been awful this month. I had a positive OPK this month on day 8 of my cycle then started spotting dark stuff day 14 and AF showed her face day 20.  It’s never been this early, ever. Honestly, it has me so worried. Early menopause? Hormonal issues? Who knows. I have to get in to my gynecologist sooner rather than later. Hopefully I will get answers.

This delay of my motherhood journey has me worried and full of self doubt. The social worker asked why we are turning this down and if we were doing another round of IVF? Seriously? If I was doing the IVF, I would of turned this adoption down right away and not even divulged into it at all. We looked at him and said, “if you have $20,000 to give to us, I’ll do the IVF”. I honestly think that’s why he questioned the heck out of us. I honestly panicked when I thought of being an instant mom to two kids. One 5 years old with behaviour issues and loss issues and a 3 year old. I’d be the one at home with the for the first year, I’d be the one creating routine and structure and trying to make the transition smooth. I felt really overwhelmed and full of self doubt. I’ve never parented a child, ever. It’s all the unknown that scares the crap outta me. I told the SW that I wanted to experience some firsts with my future child. At age 5, I feel robbed of those experiences. He just sat there silently. If I’m getting robbed of having natural children, I sure don’t want to rob myself of everything else. Does that make me an awful person? Maybe. But I know those two kids will find a loving family of their own.  

 

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