Its been awhile since the adoption news broke and our IVF was cancelled/ postponed, whatever you may call it. 

I thought when you make the right decisions, the stress leaves your heart. My heart is not stress free, I actually think it’s worse off than it was. I don’t feel at peace with my decision. I’m not sure I will ever. I have a hard time accepting this life that the man upstairs lead me to. When you are young, you think things will fall into place as you age. You find Mr. Right, you fall in love, you get married, you have a baby. Sadly my love story took a wrong turn til the middle part of my life and then it finally happened.  

This is the start to the school year. Social media isn’t very kind. “Look, Johnnys first day at kindergarten” ugh. And then it goes on from most of the people on my feed. I say nothing and quickly deactivate my account. Overly sensitive to EVERYTHING lately. I just don’t want to see it right now. Yes, it’s going on. I need to find a way to desensitize myself to every single baby and child in this world. 

Back to the adoption situation. The social workers claim its going to be a slam dunk at court, we start teleconferences and then find out DAD applied for custody of his two kids. Although he’s been MIA for awhile, he’s met all the requirements the social worker gave to him. So all and all, this slam dunk, will not be easy. I dislike they get your hopes up, start the process, even though the children aren’t wards of the ministry yet. Insert headshake. 

I can’t win to save my life. I feel regret for canceling my ivf. 


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