Overwhelmed.

Here I sit. After all the chaos of summer and its outings, we came to a conclusion that we should try IVF one last time. Our karyotype results came both back normal. So there’s no issues with why I keep miscarrying. We contacted Olive to begin our third round, this time out of pocket. Our fertility doctor suggested ivf with CCS (comprehensive chromosomal testing) due to multiple miscarriages. He gave us a 75% chance of success but that 25% still haunts me. I had awful retrievals and that was the one thing that scared the bejesus out of me.  In the states, they sometimes put you under to do it. I wish my clinic offered this. I swear I still get flashbacks of those two situations. My body at 37 has been through so much. I thought, hey, I can suck it up for one last hurrah. My tentative date to start priming was today. August 31. 

A couple days after we decided to go ahead with the ivf, we recieved an email. We were chosen as the prospective parents to two siblings. One 5, one 3. My heart sunk, why now? Why this? I immediately started to cry. I was going to be a mom. Finally. We met for a teleconference with the workers and started taking. Then we scheduled another one for two weeks later with the Foster parent. That one is slated for Friday.

During this excitement, I sent over many text messages, etc. I was going to be a mom. Finally. Overjoyed, many people texted back and were very supportive. I cancelled my ivf.

Then today, my spirit and drive broke. Maybe the realization finally came to the head. I would never have my own child. I struggle with accepting that. More than anything in the world, I want to feel what it’s like to carry my own miracle. To carry, to talk to, and finally have in my arms. It’s not fair that I was given this awful struggle of infertility. I hate it…..more than anything. I wish I was blessed with just one biological child, then maybe I’d feel different. I can wish all I want, but sometimes wishes don’t come true.

I don’t know where this path will lead us, but hopefully to the perfect choice for us.

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2 thoughts on “Overwhelmed.

  1. I’ve thought about you many times recently – I guess you decided to clear out your Instagram followers – wondering how you were. I’m so happy for the adoption news, sad for the difficult decision about IVF. Sending love ❤️

  2. Sounds like a cross roads, which with IF/Ivf, is never a good place to be. Overwhelmed is such a good way to put it, it is exhausting trying to figure out which path to take when all your choices come with caveats and strings attached, let alone little guarantee of success. I, glad though that something is happening on the adoption front and it’s good to let yourself be honest grieve the loss of a dream about carrying your child.

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