Tired.

Well here we sit and honestly its been the toughest 3 weeks of my life. I still had not recovered from my last miscarriage and we were hit with another bit of devastating news. I was in bed when I heard my phone ring, it was my brother calling me. I was half asleep and I didnt bother answering. A few minutes later, I hear my husband calling me from downstairs saying my brother is on the phone. At this point, it was 10:45pm. I was half asleep, all I hear from him is that my father is in the hospital and hes been diagnosed with Acute Myeloid Lukemia. What the hell did I just hear? He had to repeat himself. Hes got lukemia…holy shit. Isnt that a childhood thing? My dad is 61, not a young child. How did this happen? Why to him? All that was going through my head was how the hell we can save my fathers life. Lucky for me, I was on holidays and I could have some time to let this soak in and emotionally tackle it. Lucky for us, nowadays they have great chemo treatments and they can attack this disease head on. Time will tell, we are all hopeful….

About a week after the news about my father, we received information on the little boy we were hoping to adopt had his assessment done and he was proposed to another family so we lost out on that too.

It seems like the world just isn’t cooperating. Life really isn’t supposed to be this hard. Why must we continually be tested to see how strong we really are? I put on a good face but really I’m pretty emotionally depleted. I can fake a good face when I’m out and about. All I really want to do is sleep. Maybe my depression is coming back? Or was it really gone at all? I’m not really sure but I know I need to look after myself and my body to get my life back on track. I decided to step out of my comfort zone and donate blood. It was the least I could do to help up to three people when someone graciously gave blood to help my father. I used to be terrified of giving blood. I’d have to be that person who had to lay down. With all the fertility treatments I’ve been through, and the amount of blood sucked out of my veins….I thought I could do this. I’m not going to lie, I was nervous. But needless to say, I gave my first blood donation…which I dedicated to my father. He’s the reason I did it and will do it every 56 days! He is my hero, my father and a fighter. Love you dad.

Last Tuesday we went to see Dr. Y again. I was just waiting on what he would say. Two miscarriages, 2 retrievals, 2 FETS. So now what. He suggested we do a “last chance” cycle. Full on meds, full monitored cycle. Okay so when? and how much? But first he ordered blood tests for both of us to determine some factors that may of lead to my miscarriages. Then I asked him again…what is my diagnosis? He said again “unexplained” but you “could” have some tubal issues as you had a cannulation a few years back. I found out some of our extended medical covers some of the meds. That’s a relief. The jury is still out on if we are going to do this or not. Right now, I cant even look at anything baby related, it makes me upset. So we will wait for our test results of the blood tests, continue to heal and have hope that my fathers body responds to everything and his leukemia goes into remission. One day at a time, breathe in, breathe out.