I had this plan..it was supposed to be a secret. A few close IF sisters knew but that was about it. We did our last frozen transfer March 17. It was a sunny day and I was feeling good when I was driving into Vancouver…St. Patricks Day, wasn’t it supposed to be a very lucky day?! I thought this was it. This was finally my day. I went in to Olive and drank enough liquid to fill my bladder and got ready for the transfer. Lucky for me, Tyler got home in time from his last minute work trip to make it there in time. I was fully prepared to be doing this alone. Everything went as planned, my embryo looked great, and it was carefully put into place and now we wait. I had such luck with my last FET that I was very hopeful that this one would work. I had spoke with my work and had plans in place after my transfer for light duties for the days and week following my procedure. Everything was looking positive. I tested at home at 9dp5dt, and I was jumping in the shower so I hid the test with a towel so I couldn’t check while showering. I got out and wham! there it was. Pregnant 1-2 weeks….woohoo! I was so pumped and honestly relieved. Okay, I can do this….one day at a time. taking it all in. A few days after I tested, I lost all of my symptoms. Oh crap, I thought….so I had to retest. Phew! Still positive. Beta day shows up and I head in to get my blood drawn. That day we were headed out for our second camping trip. On our way to the destination, the phone rings. The nurse replies, Hi Danielle. I have your results….they aren’t what we are looking for but your beta is 16.5. My heart drops and tears start to well up in my eyes. She says, either you will miscarry or it may be ectopic, so if you have sharp pains in one side, go directly to the hospital. I share the news with Tyler. It wasn’t what we wanted to hear. We wanted to surprise our families with finally GOOD news and here we sit again….my heart is broken again but I know this routine. I heal my heart and sew the pieces back together.
We were restricted to the type of IVF we could do as we were part of an European study. Basic ivf, that’s all we got. No extra meds, just the basics. So there was nothing we could do. We were blessed with an opportunity but all four attempts failed. I know what’s next. I know what DR Y will suggest. A fully monitored IVF cycle with ICSI/PGD (pre genetic testing). And that will cost us between 16-18,000 with meds. Where the hell am I coming up with that money? Since my results were shitty both retrievals and I only at 3 embryos at most…..I don’t even know if they will get enough embryos to even test. And what if all my embryos are shitty?! That would be a waste of money. Our only option after that would be donor eggs and Canada does not allow you to buy eggs. You must have them donated to you without the exchange of money. And that makes things complicated. . I don’t know anyone who would give me their eggs. Donor eggs have been successful in the USA. A friend of mine just found out her Donor egg cycle was a success. Its nice to see someone who’s struggled so much is finally getting her dream……now to figure out how the hell I’m going to finally have my dream. I may have to live in a shoebox but I’ll figure it out.