I don’t have any fancy titles for this piece but its basically a sum of the last week in a short-ish post. Its been a week since my miscarriage. New year, new outlook, new adventures to be had. I will always be affected by my miscarriage, it will take a long time (if ever) to get over. I was pregnant…..I reveled in the fact that I could finally use the infamous instagram hashtag, #ibeatinfertility. In fact, I beat it for a total of 3 weeks…and then my life came crashing down. Whenever I think about it, it makes my heart hurt. In my mind, I was secretly planning on what I would decorate like and what our life would be like. Now, I’m left with a feeling of emptiness. One day my emptiness with be gone, and possibly filled by another child but for now, I’m okay with the void in my heart.
I went back to work after 4 weeks off. Short term disability has been grinding me for why my pregnancy was “high risk” and the fact they needed more answers about my situation. They sent the last email after my miscarriage. I had to spell it out for them. Sad reality, then told them about what happened Boxing Day morning. I really wanted to tell them to go shove it up their asses and I’ll return to work when I feel emotionally ready and physically ready, but no, I had to suck it up and go back. I walk into work and apparently it was known that I was pregnant. Coworkers asking if I should be lifting things and why I’m back. How awkward…..I really wanted to say, I’m back here because my body sucks ass. Its failed me time and time again and now I have to be back with you guys and get back to the daily grind….but I didn’t. I just said that I was okay and just carried on with what I was doing. And then more questions were asked about why I was away….I guess the office gossip didn’t make its way around the entire office. So in its entirety, I explained that dreadful xmas season a few times yesterday. The more I talk about it, the less emotionally charged I am. I am sad, don’t get me wrong but the tears have held off for the last couple days and I feel good about it. I was also called by the clinic and they requested another beta to ensure that my beta has returned to zero. My nurse asked how I was and what were my plans. And then those words came out. “I’m done”.I don’t want to be involved in round 3. I’ve had 2 terrible retrievals with no success and the last one caused a bit of emotional trauma. Waking up on a floor with an oxygen mask on my face isnt a good time. I need time away from this life consuming journey. I want my life and my body back. Treatments have done its number to my body. I’ve gained about 15 lbs. I’m miserable that my body is no longer functioning how it was. I used to be in decent shape before this. I wasn’t skinny by no means but I had a more sturdy body. And now, I’m a mushy disaster. I want my body back. I want to feel good about myself and have the cardio I had, back. I could go on a 15 km hike and feel tired but good after. I can not wait to have that back. I am so ready for the journey of being back in nature with my mountains again. I just realized there’s a lot of “I”s in this post. I guess its about time, “I” start looking after me. And the start of that is to remove myself from bits of social media that I don’t find useful….so there goes Instagram. Facebook I can only justify as its connected to my photography page and I still love taking photos, so its going to stay.
2015 will be a year of personal growth for me. Recovery from Infertility, and surrounding myself with people who bring out the best in me. Forgive me if I don’t post much from now on, but maybe I will have some news to share sometime. For now, I’m going to find me.