Well I blogged a few days ago but since then have had a lot of thoughts running through my head. Recent event of where a pregnancy was hid from me for almost 5 weeks also may of contributed to this. I’m not saying to hide your pregnancy from me but at least give me the decency and common courtesy to let me know in person not via text. Whatever. I have done alot of thinking over the last little while and decided to re evaluate some friendships. I’m a bit of a loner and I’m okay with that. I don’t need a huge parade of half assed friends either. I want to be with people who understand.
Let me rewind. I grew up with a disability. Childhood was hard for me. Kids are mean, adults are worse…and it doesnt stop when you get older. You just learn to not give a flying f&*%. I have a stutter, which means I cannot speak fluently. I have been through speech therapy since i was in kindergarten. I was one of those children who didnt grow “out of it”. It stayed its course, going from mild to severe and back to situational. I have rarely been able to make a phone call. I also dont have a huge variety of friends, it was a struggle to be accepted. This was also a huge issue when dating. I pick up the phone and my heart stops. In turn, my issue came with high anxiety, depression and frustration. As I grew up, I thought things would get better. I was wrong. The comments like “cat got your tongue” and are you okay? do you need me to help you? were only part of the problem. Please, if you ever encounter someone who struggles to speak….don’t offer advice when you have no idea. Be supportive and patient.
I guess the two issues really come together when I look at them. Infertility and a disability. People give you advice but they’ve never been in my shoes so don’t give me any advice. If you have ever longed to hear your voice with no pauses, blocks and stammers….then you know how I feel.
Same with infertility. I have never been pregnant. I have no idea how it feels to see a valid positive pregnancy test. I have never suffered a miscarriage. I can not offer anyone dealing with a miscarriage advice because I have never been in those shoes. All I can do is tell them i care.
I hate to see people struggle for what they deserve. I deserve the right to be able to speak and to be a mother. I’m thinking that I may never see any of those days. As hard as it is. I’ve received medical intervention for both and here I stand. Problems still unsolved.
Next Thursday is my appointment with the fertility specialist, not sure what will realistically come out of it. My ivf failed, my three iuis failed…….now what? If I had lots of money, I would for sure try another round or two. But in saying that, should I feel bad that I would rather spend money on a new camera that will definitely be in my arms rather than take the chance of another round of science failing me and $10,000 down the drain? Dreams of motherhood come at a cost for me….and I’m not sure what to do.