Bitter.

After recent events, I think I’m back at square one. This journey makes you feel things you never thought you would feel. My official beta is Tuesday, I have zero interest in going. Its like a slap in the face. Lets test your blood to see if you are pregnant…..frick, my body is expelling its contents as fast as it normally does. Its highly fricken unlikely there’s a little person holding on to dear life in there.

I don’t want to face reality. I don’t want to go to work, I want to hide. I don’t really want to talk about it to coworkers, friends, relatives, etc. Its a fine line between feeling like an epic failure to wanting to spend an hour screaming and bawling my eyes out. Neither of which would benefit me in the long run.

Its a sad day when you see your husband in tears each and every time we talk about it. I feel like I’ve failed him, I’ve failed my duty to make him a father. Especially when today is Fathers Day. We should of been pregnant right now….note the word “should”.

This is the square one part. I’m 36, never been pregnant……and I don’t know if I ever will experience those feelings that I long for. BC needs to revamp its fertility coverage. Some eastern provinces get their ivfs covered partly or almost all of it. Here, they rake you over the coals. So in saying that, if we try again, we need to find $10,000….and that only gives you a chance of getting pregnant…..F*&^ me.

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4 thoughts on “Bitter.

  1. If the clinic offers free counselling, I do recommend you use it. That was my biggest mistake, not dealing properly with the loss and hiding my feelings. Nearly ruined my marriage. Thinking of you, I feel your pain and anger. If you do decide to try again, I have heard doing it the states is the way to go….cheaper. Bug hugs xoxo

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